Wednesday, September 21, 2005

pirates and more

monday was international speak like a pirate day.
missed it. oops.
to make up, there's some *fantastic* pirate stuff out there....

the stuff above was sourced from venganza.
y'know all the fuss about intelligent design that popped up in the news recently? well venganza have come up with their own equally scientifically valid theory. i like their stance on pirates.
also out there is the onion's take on it all.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

dsei protests in london

dsei info
the arms fair has come to the big smoke and there are protests. i havent seen anything in the news about it apart from metro printing a pic of a protestor's boots being grabbed by police. however, indymedia have got plenty of stuff up there, and have a pic of my favourite ever banner (above)

thanks to all those down there doing the stuff i wish i was doing.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

housemate tasered!

my housemate works in the town hall, where international association of women police conference thing is going on. despite the fact that he is neither a woman nor in the police, he got to wander around their exhibition for a while yesterday.
they were offering ppl the chance to be 'tasered', in order to see what it feels like and also to show it's non-lethal benefits in comparison to, oh, say, shooting someone in the head.
my housemate said it felt really weird, and had 2 ppl holding him up while he was 'shot' so he didn't fall to the ground in a convulsing heap.
what i'm most surprised by is that he didn't have to fill in *any* kind of disclaimer, answer any questions about his health etc etc
i'm suprised due to this: amnesty report
housemate *did* bring home a very pretty 'black police officers' mug freebie, which was nice of him.

Friday, September 09, 2005

news from the southern hemisphere

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly
harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


and not to forget their delightful kiwi neighbours, harry hutton has a fantastic piece on his site chase me ladies - dated weds 7th september - the comments have almost had me crying with laughter.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...

for a while, i was going down the 'life sucks' path. i was literally lost for words - i felt completely unable to articulate what i felt or why, all i knew for sure was that i felt i was in the emotional equivalent of a murky pond, getting stuck in the weeds and couldn't see even the dim light above the surface because i was so far down on the rocks.
and now? i've found my tongue again (obviously one of the cats had it), and the murky pond scenario has transformed to feeling like i'm on a lilo on the bluest, calmest sea in the sunshine :)
i can breathe again.

and it's probably not the most appropriate time to quote these lyrics, having tottered into work pink-eyed with whiskey breath and a mild hangover, but james yorkstone puts it brilliantly in 'sweet jesus' (from 'moving up country' 2002)

"i've been drinking less and sleep comes to me
if this is life, touch wood, it's easy"

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

why did we attack iraq?

again, shamelessly pinched from somewhere else. old but good.

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass
A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba
until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate
leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New York and Washington, killing 3,000 innocent people.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes
and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless
unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.

good advices

not of my own hand, but it made me smile...

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished . Then before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
You might like to pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace."

Monday, September 05, 2005

my drugs hell

as Chat magazine would surely call it... might sell my story to them....
it started with going over to a friends on friday night for birthday drinks, and ended on sunday evening with me waking up wearing my (gay)* ex boyfriends pants. with approximately 30 hours sleep in the midst of it all.

i have had the funniest weekend of my life. messages from other people we were with reveal that we were doing spectacular cartwheels on saturday night, that ex b/f went to the pub on sunday morning (which he wasn't sure happened), and that a good time was had by all. which is a relief.

a very very bad (in a good way) lady called claire fed us drugs. ex b/f, who is a clean living vegan whose previous drug experiences consist of half a space cake in amsterdam with paranoid results, surprisingly decided that saturday night was the night he would take speed for the first time. i, at that point, was untainted and only drinking lager. we danced in the cockpit like bastards, crazy jumping and singing and general joyfulness and sweating.

we went back to c's house with claire and others, doing a lot of talking shite and making each other laugh incredibly hard. found out ex b/f has a foot fetish, which i wonder how i didn't discover in the 9 months we were together. claire decided it would be a Good Thing if we each snorted half a pill. i didn't disagree. i'm no drugs guru myself, i have never snorted anything before in my life and generally don't do anything other than pot.
this was about half six in the morning. my memory has big gaps after that.

what happened next? i woke up in ex b/f's pants (i *think* i demanded them after chucking beer all over my jeans), next to ex b/f and a house devoid of people. we cracked up at each other when we realised we didn't know if it was sunday or monday, or indeed if it was six in the morning or six in the evening. ex b/f decided the best way to find out would be to put the radio on ?! made perfect sense at the time.

i haven't laughed as much as i did yesterday evening for months and months and months. an absolutely perfect weekend, fantastic company and such a feeling of absolute joy compared to the way i've been feeling recently.
much much more of this please (and i don't mean the drugs)

*well obviously not completely gay. also nice to know that i was man enough for him heheheh