so this is the new year

and a happy and joyous 2009 to anyone who may be reading this.

i spent the last night of 2008 playing records for a little bit, drinking whisky and lager (mistake! mistake!), falling over on the dancefloor... when the bells went, i didn't realise the time, and was around nobody that i knew. it felt kinda nice.

i also got given some lovely glittery green liquid eyeliner, and girled it up to fuck :)



unfortunately (?) i didn't get home til 3pm on new year's day, a wee bit shaky and broken. the nice man in wetherspoons, where i had been drinking many tea with chaosmongers, gave me a fluffy blanket to make things all better.

2008 was a weird one. started it with a whimper (falling asleep in a horrible room in leyton, after megabussing back down south after a particularly traumatic visit to my folks). then continued in a whimpery style - got a temp job as a PA to a top parliamentary exec type person. was bored as fuck - in the end, i ended up sorting through a cupboard about three times my height, sifting and filing and shredding papers dating back to the seventies.
it was when my only task was to photocopy a 1970s office procedure manual, that i handed in my notice. and went straight from the fryingpan into the fire.

ended up on a six month contract for an organisation whose in-house publications were full of praise for kingsnorth; my manager came in one day to tell us his son'd been arrested for 'queerbashing' (or words to that effect) and that he was fully behind him/didn't see a problem with his behaviour. the casual racism was rife too.
and what did i do?
absolutely nothing, save stare at the floor, very hard indeed. i'm a bit disgusted with myself.

for about six months of last year, i disappeared completely. woke up, went to work, came home, and then a) watched hollyoaks and whatever else was in front of my eyes b) cried c) drank wine. sometimes independently, sometimes a combo of all three.

and then i quit my job.

i've had three months of running around a bit, finding out who i am again (and i'm NOT the sort of gal who stares at the floor during fuckwittery. really i'm not), taking long baths, hugging my knees, writing again...

in the bigblankhalfyear, i went to my doctor and did one of those tickboxy 'have you felt depressed? suicidal? worthless? wobbly?' test thingies. and got a worried look, a prescription for anti depressants (which i took for a couple of months until i felt kickstarted enough to stop), and an appointment for a clinical psychologist assessment. or, as i prefer to call it, clinical psycholologist. it took a wee while to come through....

it's in two hours - wish me lucks :)


2009 is going to be a very different year.